He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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