i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
