my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
