Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
