Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
