Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
