I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
