He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
