when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
