if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
