This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
