Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
