eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
