Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
