Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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