Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
