Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
