We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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