You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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