plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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