You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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