I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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