I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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