no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Someone came in the potted fern
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
