I wish my penis had an off switch
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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