i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
