I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
