I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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