i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
