I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
