It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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