i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I need a beard to bite.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me