the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
