im drinking this country out of the recession.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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