Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
sex in a hospital.. check
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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