The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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