remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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