Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
