Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
