ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
