the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
