The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
