Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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