I accidentally burped into my bong.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
