I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
soo... how was my night?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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