Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
