I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
