Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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