The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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