genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
