Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
