One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
