Do you still have your period?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
