OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
