Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
