I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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