You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
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We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
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I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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