bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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