you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
