Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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