3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
