Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
