pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
